Alright, anyone who knows me well knows that I am an animal lover through and through! I don't expect anyone else to be as nuts as I am, I know I'm "different"... :) But, I'm not the crazy girl who gives up burgers, steak or chicken- I can't do it. I haven't had lamb in like 20 years though because when I was young I was in 4-H, go ahead and laugh, and I raised 3 little lambs... Can't eat something that used to follow me around "baaaaahing" all day long.
Anyway, I didn't even know Animal Cops existed until Animal Planet did a show and now I have found my calling!!! First, I get to save little animals AND I get a gun! Hello, bossing people around, with authority, and saving little puppies.... What could be better!?!?!?! Well, if I was married with a family, there might be Higher callings, but since it is what it is-- I have found mine!
So, I have started some training and it is like living Law and Order. Crime scene investigation and photography, search warrants, testifying in court, self-defense, and public speaking. Hello, so fascinating and fun! I'm sure its nothing like a baby walking for the first time or any of that but its like being called home to the mother ship in Lisa land :)
Bet you can't wait to see me in uniform with a badge and bite stick, so sexy... Pit bulls and gangsta thugs here I come!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Gifts from my loved ones
We all know I don't have a husband and kids to spoil on Christmas so the next best thing are my four legged, spoiled rotten, oh so cute Dogs- Sampson and Lilah. Well, they decided to make this a VERY special year for their mommy and got me some really nice presents!!! Since the economy sucks, they felt it was best to MAKE some gifts instead. In our little family of 3 we have a tradition of opening one present on Christmas eve.... So, Lilah volunteered to give me her gift first....
FARTS! She had a belly full! She was farting non-stop and the funniest part was each fart made this hilarious squeak, which scared her so she'd jump away from herself. FUNNY! The gift that kept on giving....
Then Sampson, like all young kids, decided he couldn't wait til the sun was up to give me his present. He was so excited that by 4 am he was waking me up and leading me out to the tree, (well, the living room, which should have had a tree) and there he PUKED. Merry Christmas Mom, here's an early morning puke for you! And of course, Lilah can't be outdone, so a few hours later, she puked all over the entry way for me too.
Merry Christmas!!!! :)
FARTS! She had a belly full! She was farting non-stop and the funniest part was each fart made this hilarious squeak, which scared her so she'd jump away from herself. FUNNY! The gift that kept on giving....
Then Sampson, like all young kids, decided he couldn't wait til the sun was up to give me his present. He was so excited that by 4 am he was waking me up and leading me out to the tree, (well, the living room, which should have had a tree) and there he PUKED. Merry Christmas Mom, here's an early morning puke for you! And of course, Lilah can't be outdone, so a few hours later, she puked all over the entry way for me too.
Merry Christmas!!!! :)
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
What would JESUS do?
Merry Christmas to me!!! Or so I thought....
So, yesterday I run to the bank to make a measly $80 deposit to cover a utility bill I need to pay. I hardly ever use this bank because I personally believe Wells Fargo SUCKS! :) (No offense Nicole). They screw you on every possible fee there is! Anyway, I might just be wrong about them because later when I came home and logged on to pay that bill, there was a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!
Miraculously there was a deposit for $4004.34 right after my $80.09 deposit. YES, FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS! Now I know for some of you this is chump change, but for me, it was real proof Santa exists!!!
What could I do with $4004.34???? Lots of friends to go visit, spectaular last minute presents for my family, a professional ear/eyes/nails and anal glands expressed grooming for the dogs! :) I bet they'd rather NOT have that gift... The ideas were endless! Of course I called the bank to find out what was going on but they couldn't tell me because it was "pending" and I called my parents to make sure no one had accidentally "misplaced" money into my account. Nope.
So, I didn't sleep all night and I realized that even Satan comes out to play on Christmas Eve... This morning I debated about withdrawing all that cash and finding out what happens AFTER I celebrate Christmas... BUT of course, tomorrow is Jesus's freakin birthday for goodness sake!!!! What would JESUS do? He wouldn't steal that money and high tail it to the Inn. He wouldn't con the 3 wise men into some immediate "business ventures". And he definitely wouldn't send the donkey to get a good once over. He'd walk those no-sock sandled feet in this 30 degree blowing wind the 5 miles to dumb Wells Fargo and tell them the truth.
So not-so-merry-christmas to me, but happy birthday to you Jesus! Someone got their $4004.34 back just in time to celebrate...
Lets hope theres a Washington Mutual bank of Good Deeds in Heaven...
So, yesterday I run to the bank to make a measly $80 deposit to cover a utility bill I need to pay. I hardly ever use this bank because I personally believe Wells Fargo SUCKS! :) (No offense Nicole). They screw you on every possible fee there is! Anyway, I might just be wrong about them because later when I came home and logged on to pay that bill, there was a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!
Miraculously there was a deposit for $4004.34 right after my $80.09 deposit. YES, FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS! Now I know for some of you this is chump change, but for me, it was real proof Santa exists!!!
What could I do with $4004.34???? Lots of friends to go visit, spectaular last minute presents for my family, a professional ear/eyes/nails and anal glands expressed grooming for the dogs! :) I bet they'd rather NOT have that gift... The ideas were endless! Of course I called the bank to find out what was going on but they couldn't tell me because it was "pending" and I called my parents to make sure no one had accidentally "misplaced" money into my account. Nope.
So, I didn't sleep all night and I realized that even Satan comes out to play on Christmas Eve... This morning I debated about withdrawing all that cash and finding out what happens AFTER I celebrate Christmas... BUT of course, tomorrow is Jesus's freakin birthday for goodness sake!!!! What would JESUS do? He wouldn't steal that money and high tail it to the Inn. He wouldn't con the 3 wise men into some immediate "business ventures". And he definitely wouldn't send the donkey to get a good once over. He'd walk those no-sock sandled feet in this 30 degree blowing wind the 5 miles to dumb Wells Fargo and tell them the truth.
So not-so-merry-christmas to me, but happy birthday to you Jesus! Someone got their $4004.34 back just in time to celebrate...
Lets hope theres a Washington Mutual bank of Good Deeds in Heaven...
Monday, December 8, 2008
this month i am the tortoise
I always say I'm not the tortoise, not the hare- because I'm always somewhere in middle. No rush to be first but definitely not slow enough to be last... Sorry its taken me so long to write but I was waiting on photos. Since I don't have them yet, I'll just fill you in...
The TURKEY TROT- MY FIRST (and last) 10K on Thanksgiving.
Well, I made myself sick worrying about that but since I am here with hands on keyboard, it looks like I lived... Honestly it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. We got there a little late so we didn't start with the huge mass of runners, much to my dismay. I hoped that their energy would carry me the whole 6 miles, but whatever. The first 100 feet or so were great! Then I couldn't breathe. :)
I walked quickly for a little bit and then alternated between my speedwalk, which I'm sure is laughable, and my jog, which is never going to be a run. Somewhere between mile 2 and 3 I got this annoying cramp in my abdomen, which is odd since it is a complete 6-pack... 6 pack of premade jello cups that is. That cramp really makes me mad. I've gotten it the last 3 times I've run and it hurts. I don't understand where it comes from or why it rips my whole right abdomen apart, but again, whatever. I debated about quitting this stupid "trot" because I knew before I hit mile 4 my dad would be at the finish line. The smart thing about doing this out of state is that I couldn't quit because I had NO CLUE where in the hell I was! I was in Mesa, but I didn't have a cell phone and I didn't know how to get home so I had to freaking finish.
Well, here I was creeping up on mile 3 and a 86+ year old man comes crawling past me and that sure helped with the anger management. I turned up the life-saving iPOD, flipped to a song with a good beat and probably a bunch of dirty words and picked up the pace. Miles 4 and 5 werent bad, and I realized I was so close to the end!!! So, here I am looking for the finish line and who comes RUNNING past me? A ONE LEGGED MAN! Well, obviously he had an artificial leg. He had one of those cool ones that looks like an aluminum pancake turner on the bottom, its all aerodynamic for sports and stuff... Yes, that man passes me!!!! Hope they are serving HUMBLE pie at Thanksgiving dinner... So, anyway, I see the MILE 6 sign ahead, BUT THERE IS NO FINISH LINE WITH THAT MILE 6 SIGN!!! What is this crap? I was told it was 6 miles, not 6.23418 miles or whatever the #$&* it is!!! I am blistered, pissed, all jello'ed out and where is that stupid finish line?
Oh, there it is, around the corner behind the little grassy hill, where everyone who has finished, like 30 minutes ago, is twiddling their thumbs waiting with oxygen tanks for all us slowpokes. And there's Mom, with her camera, to mark this monumental moment!
So, long story long- I finished and I am alive. And I did beat the 86+ year old man. And a few other 12 year old kids. :)
The TURKEY TROT- MY FIRST (and last) 10K on Thanksgiving.
Well, I made myself sick worrying about that but since I am here with hands on keyboard, it looks like I lived... Honestly it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. We got there a little late so we didn't start with the huge mass of runners, much to my dismay. I hoped that their energy would carry me the whole 6 miles, but whatever. The first 100 feet or so were great! Then I couldn't breathe. :)
I walked quickly for a little bit and then alternated between my speedwalk, which I'm sure is laughable, and my jog, which is never going to be a run. Somewhere between mile 2 and 3 I got this annoying cramp in my abdomen, which is odd since it is a complete 6-pack... 6 pack of premade jello cups that is. That cramp really makes me mad. I've gotten it the last 3 times I've run and it hurts. I don't understand where it comes from or why it rips my whole right abdomen apart, but again, whatever. I debated about quitting this stupid "trot" because I knew before I hit mile 4 my dad would be at the finish line. The smart thing about doing this out of state is that I couldn't quit because I had NO CLUE where in the hell I was! I was in Mesa, but I didn't have a cell phone and I didn't know how to get home so I had to freaking finish.
Well, here I was creeping up on mile 3 and a 86+ year old man comes crawling past me and that sure helped with the anger management. I turned up the life-saving iPOD, flipped to a song with a good beat and probably a bunch of dirty words and picked up the pace. Miles 4 and 5 werent bad, and I realized I was so close to the end!!! So, here I am looking for the finish line and who comes RUNNING past me? A ONE LEGGED MAN! Well, obviously he had an artificial leg. He had one of those cool ones that looks like an aluminum pancake turner on the bottom, its all aerodynamic for sports and stuff... Yes, that man passes me!!!! Hope they are serving HUMBLE pie at Thanksgiving dinner... So, anyway, I see the MILE 6 sign ahead, BUT THERE IS NO FINISH LINE WITH THAT MILE 6 SIGN!!! What is this crap? I was told it was 6 miles, not 6.23418 miles or whatever the #$&* it is!!! I am blistered, pissed, all jello'ed out and where is that stupid finish line?
Oh, there it is, around the corner behind the little grassy hill, where everyone who has finished, like 30 minutes ago, is twiddling their thumbs waiting with oxygen tanks for all us slowpokes. And there's Mom, with her camera, to mark this monumental moment!
So, long story long- I finished and I am alive. And I did beat the 86+ year old man. And a few other 12 year old kids. :)
Saturday, November 15, 2008
New Bloggers BEWARE...
Okay, when I started looking at my friends Blogs every once in a while I'd see posts about being "tagged". I didn't know how you got tagged but I assumed it was like "steal the bacon" from Elementary School. Guess not.
So, for my new virgin blogging friends like me- What it means is, BEWARE!!! It takes the fun out of going to your friends links because there is the slightest chance your name will be at the bottom of one of their entries! I have been tagged for the first time so I will play along....
7 Random facts about me:
-I actually said prayers to win Publishers Clearing House. Is it even still around? I wonder if I still have a chance... I am a total bargainer, ooops.
-I love batters! Cake batter, cookie batter, pie dough, cinnamon pluck-it, you name it!
-I think I have split personality disorder. You are probably laughing because YOU know I do and you're wondering how it took me soooooooo long to figure this out.
-I CRAVE good, hard, can't breathe, uncontrolled snorting, make you cry BELLY LAUGHTER
-I really wish I could go live in Africa for a year on a safari
-I like to mix my corn and mashed potatoes- learned that from Uncle Bob
-I am at the point where I am truly considering marrying a short, fat, bald, (but please not smelly) middle aged man... Anyone got a rich uncle they want to auction off? As long as he can still breed, lets talk :)
ALRIGHT... Since I want you all to be prepared and get your practice... I'm tagging COLE, SACHIA, MARSHA, THERA, AMY and KRISTI. I think the rest of you have been tagged before. If not... Tune in next time... :)
So, for my new virgin blogging friends like me- What it means is, BEWARE!!! It takes the fun out of going to your friends links because there is the slightest chance your name will be at the bottom of one of their entries! I have been tagged for the first time so I will play along....
7 Random facts about me:
-I actually said prayers to win Publishers Clearing House. Is it even still around? I wonder if I still have a chance... I am a total bargainer, ooops.
-I love batters! Cake batter, cookie batter, pie dough, cinnamon pluck-it, you name it!
-I think I have split personality disorder. You are probably laughing because YOU know I do and you're wondering how it took me soooooooo long to figure this out.
-I CRAVE good, hard, can't breathe, uncontrolled snorting, make you cry BELLY LAUGHTER
-I really wish I could go live in Africa for a year on a safari
-I like to mix my corn and mashed potatoes- learned that from Uncle Bob
-I am at the point where I am truly considering marrying a short, fat, bald, (but please not smelly) middle aged man... Anyone got a rich uncle they want to auction off? As long as he can still breed, lets talk :)
ALRIGHT... Since I want you all to be prepared and get your practice... I'm tagging COLE, SACHIA, MARSHA, THERA, AMY and KRISTI. I think the rest of you have been tagged before. If not... Tune in next time... :)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
And it only gets better....
Sorry I haven't BLOGGED in a while, life has been a little crazy...
First, my friends came in town from CA, UT, and WA for Halloween in Vegas--which was a very interesting story in and of itself but to spill details might cause embarrassment to others and the only one I am allowed to shame on here is me. Well me and ONE other person...
Lets talk about the word "hate"...
I know we teach our kids not to say it and to imply that I hate someone must mean that I had or have love for them on some level because they are polar opposites, BUT if most of us are honest- somewhere, sometime in our lives there has been a person we very very very strongly disliked="hate".
I personally claim 2.
One was back in college and she tried to talk smack about me (in my basement to a boy I happened to be having a little fling with) and I heard the whole conversation because I was laying on my floor listening through the heat vent with my other 2 roommates. And that "hate" wasn't long lasting, but was strong for the time. Yes, its a bit shameful I was lying on a floor of that disgusting house listening through a HEAT VENT, but my very keen Private Investigator skills told me I had reason to be suspicious and this avenue of creativity would confirm that.
And now there is my new "hate" person. I don't know what it is but when this person (who is obviously not a blogger, not related to a blogger and not friends with any of my blogging friends) calls me it drives me into a frenzy!!! He is a self-centered, oblivious, spoiled man-child. Lets call him a boy-child because he is definitely not a man. Oh I am mean I know! I have never been so fired up by anyone in my life and even though I make numerous snide, sarcastic comments-he doesn't get it. And I know in my gut, because he is so mentally challenged, he will call again... Yes, I have learned to send to voicemail, but it still chaps my hide :)
SIDE NOTE- I know I use poor grammar, skip the spellcheck, and use lots of run on sentences, sorry.
Moving on, lets get back to how fun and exciting my life is...
1- my younger brother ended up in the hospital Sunday night with stones in his gall bladder. Well, they'd like to do some surgery to take those puppies out and put them in a jar to show everyone BUT he has a fever and an inflamed pancreas, which seem to cause more alarm than the stones, and surgery can't be done until issues 2 and 3 are resolved. Guess what else he gets while in the hospital? NO FOOD OR WATER! Hello, this boy has been living on ice chips for 4 days now!!! I know you only get ice chips when you check in to have a baby, BUT, my brother is not the "man" on the news that had a baby!
Please feed my brother. And the starving children in Africa, while you're at it.
2-my wonderful, cute, lifeline of mine- my laptop- got a nasty virus and blew up. I just bought that little sucker 1.5 yrs ago and of course I didn't buy the "extended warranty"... Let this be a lesson to you all... You want to blog, you buy the stupid warranty. Oh, and you don't put off "backing up the important stuff" because its a little more work than blogging...
3-I sold my cute gay parakeets. No, they didn't fly away on their own in some uproar about me being a mormon and being in support of prop 8... They were screaming to the other birds in New Hampshire every day and I felt like it might be time to let someone else appreciate their beautiful love songs... Poor single dad and his 2 little girls, they have NO idea what they got themselves into. That money went to great use- refer back to #2.
So, after the FURY of my hate friend, the WORRY of my brother, the IRRITATION about my computer and the GRIEVING about my birds, I decided it was time for a little adventure!
Today I finished work and went to the DMV right across the street from one of the salons I service, thinking I should get myself a Nevada ID card so I can go to the library AND get discounts for my friends when they come in town... (Ive been here for a year now but cant give up my CA drivers license). Have any of you ever been to the Nevada DMV????? Anything I say would sound prejudicial and stereotypical, maybe even racist, so I will just leave it to- DONT GO. It took me more than an hour waiting in line and them rejecting my plea to get an ID but keep my CA license to figure out this was a horrible outing! So, after a long day and a waste of my precious time, I am thrilled to head home to get out of my heels and take a shower (it makes you feel dirty and stinky all over in there).
I hurry out to my car, hop in and BAM.... DEAD BATTERY.
Good thing my dad has AAA and good thing I spent all 4 years in High School mastering the art of forging his signature on "doctor appointments/family emergency" notes....
That sums up my week and why I have not put a gloriously funny post up! I hope you all had a calm Halloween, hug your yummy husbands, kiss AND FEED your kids, appreciate your pets, check your batteries AND RENEW YOUR LICENSES ONLINE!
Love you all!
First, my friends came in town from CA, UT, and WA for Halloween in Vegas--which was a very interesting story in and of itself but to spill details might cause embarrassment to others and the only one I am allowed to shame on here is me. Well me and ONE other person...
Lets talk about the word "hate"...
I know we teach our kids not to say it and to imply that I hate someone must mean that I had or have love for them on some level because they are polar opposites, BUT if most of us are honest- somewhere, sometime in our lives there has been a person we very very very strongly disliked="hate".
I personally claim 2.
One was back in college and she tried to talk smack about me (in my basement to a boy I happened to be having a little fling with) and I heard the whole conversation because I was laying on my floor listening through the heat vent with my other 2 roommates. And that "hate" wasn't long lasting, but was strong for the time. Yes, its a bit shameful I was lying on a floor of that disgusting house listening through a HEAT VENT, but my very keen Private Investigator skills told me I had reason to be suspicious and this avenue of creativity would confirm that.
And now there is my new "hate" person. I don't know what it is but when this person (who is obviously not a blogger, not related to a blogger and not friends with any of my blogging friends) calls me it drives me into a frenzy!!! He is a self-centered, oblivious, spoiled man-child. Lets call him a boy-child because he is definitely not a man. Oh I am mean I know! I have never been so fired up by anyone in my life and even though I make numerous snide, sarcastic comments-he doesn't get it. And I know in my gut, because he is so mentally challenged, he will call again... Yes, I have learned to send to voicemail, but it still chaps my hide :)
SIDE NOTE- I know I use poor grammar, skip the spellcheck, and use lots of run on sentences, sorry.
Moving on, lets get back to how fun and exciting my life is...
1- my younger brother ended up in the hospital Sunday night with stones in his gall bladder. Well, they'd like to do some surgery to take those puppies out and put them in a jar to show everyone BUT he has a fever and an inflamed pancreas, which seem to cause more alarm than the stones, and surgery can't be done until issues 2 and 3 are resolved. Guess what else he gets while in the hospital? NO FOOD OR WATER! Hello, this boy has been living on ice chips for 4 days now!!! I know you only get ice chips when you check in to have a baby, BUT, my brother is not the "man" on the news that had a baby!
Please feed my brother. And the starving children in Africa, while you're at it.
2-my wonderful, cute, lifeline of mine- my laptop- got a nasty virus and blew up. I just bought that little sucker 1.5 yrs ago and of course I didn't buy the "extended warranty"... Let this be a lesson to you all... You want to blog, you buy the stupid warranty. Oh, and you don't put off "backing up the important stuff" because its a little more work than blogging...
3-I sold my cute gay parakeets. No, they didn't fly away on their own in some uproar about me being a mormon and being in support of prop 8... They were screaming to the other birds in New Hampshire every day and I felt like it might be time to let someone else appreciate their beautiful love songs... Poor single dad and his 2 little girls, they have NO idea what they got themselves into. That money went to great use- refer back to #2.
So, after the FURY of my hate friend, the WORRY of my brother, the IRRITATION about my computer and the GRIEVING about my birds, I decided it was time for a little adventure!
Today I finished work and went to the DMV right across the street from one of the salons I service, thinking I should get myself a Nevada ID card so I can go to the library AND get discounts for my friends when they come in town... (Ive been here for a year now but cant give up my CA drivers license). Have any of you ever been to the Nevada DMV????? Anything I say would sound prejudicial and stereotypical, maybe even racist, so I will just leave it to- DONT GO. It took me more than an hour waiting in line and them rejecting my plea to get an ID but keep my CA license to figure out this was a horrible outing! So, after a long day and a waste of my precious time, I am thrilled to head home to get out of my heels and take a shower (it makes you feel dirty and stinky all over in there).
I hurry out to my car, hop in and BAM.... DEAD BATTERY.
Good thing my dad has AAA and good thing I spent all 4 years in High School mastering the art of forging his signature on "doctor appointments/family emergency" notes....
That sums up my week and why I have not put a gloriously funny post up! I hope you all had a calm Halloween, hug your yummy husbands, kiss AND FEED your kids, appreciate your pets, check your batteries AND RENEW YOUR LICENSES ONLINE!
Love you all!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Halloween weekend!!! Funny stories to come....
My younger brother Shane
Sonya, Michelle and Me
We love Corey!
Wait, where is SONYA?
Halloween with the girls
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